The end of the semester left me in sort of a funk, and its something in need of apology. Dysfunction: with grades, with people, with intellectual strife of my own making left my poor blog by the wayside.

I've created an official blog, the blog from which my intellectual outpourings might flow. http://www.simplesimon.org - A new playground for stemwinding as they say. Eventually that domain might get the old switcharoo, if I ever get around to buying thestemwinder.com which I'm putting off for whatever reason.

The end of the semester, unlike blogging, is an ending and unfortunately, a continuation. I owe more people more phone calls and emails than I ever have. Without a single class or grade in the balance, I feel like that very substance of who am I and who I wish to be now sits precariously.

When I came to school, I opted for the more dangerous road. I began a non-profit, a student publication, and hopefully a blogging/reading society. Meanwhile, I joined Techtronics, Duke University Improv, and the student Auditing Committee while doing biology research. With these committments, I balanced my classes.

The semester ended in shambles in every regard. I stole a 3.5 GPA after rocking my Math final - sad because I expected such an effort would earn me a 3.75. In Biology research, I never did see the Salicylic acid results repeated, while I never had a really funny show with DUI. Techtronics which had plodded along so well for so many months came crashing down in the final classes as the kids truly realized we had no disciplinary authority, and Project SKY takes flack from every side: left, right, up, down, and below. To top it all off, the Publication I originated -- it was my idea when we peel back all the layers, originally elucidated in a white paper I wrote -- suffers a severe lack of leadership. Everything is burning.

I suppose its safe to argue that it's no wonder I was quoting poetry as the semester died down. It's too much. It's beyond what I was raised -- beyond what I am capable of.

And so, in these hours I am faced with a choice - a choice I'd thought I'd made long ago. To turn back, or keep fighting.

Oh of course I'm a 4.0 student if I do nothing. No question. I walk into rooms and even the professors defer (which angers and annoys me).

People never understood - I was born with a curse unimagineable. I am given no clearance, and what for? Because people expect so much, and to be excellent I must exceed expectations others cannot even aspire to... and it makes me tired. And I cannot let out the emotion - I have no recourse, no strategy for doing so.

Ultimately, I feel like the things I do, the dazzling magics I perform are rare. So rare as to be special. But no one has ever called me thus. No compliments have ever come my way. I'm fighting for that one ringing statement, and with it a reason to live, and the comfort to die.

Tomorrow I get on a plane for home.

It's been a long and difficult semester, and blogging is tough. It's been almost a week since my last post, but I feel like I have little more to say. Then again, I feel like I could just keep writing and never run out of words.

I'm going to change this blog over to thestemwinder.com because I've decided I'd like that.

I beat the curve on the last two tests in math, one of which was the final. But who knows what my grade could be. We'll have to wait.

Well, I've been remiss in blogging for the past few days, mostly in frustration over a rather long post that was lost in the browser.

My week following my math exam has been rather relaxing, as I've attempted to unwind. I'm not sure of my performance, except to say that it was better than my previous efforts.

As the semester closes, I feel like I still must write topically. But expect me to begin the long task of detailing my life in the weeks that follow.

Until then, I'll continue on, and end quoting my friend Jacob Negron's complementary closing,

"Still chuggin' along the underground Railroad,"

Andrew

Well, it's basketball season here at Duke, and there's nothing like trying to sleep while the hall goes berserk over a last-second winner.

Sean Dockery once again proved why he's a Blue Devil, and the commotion outside my room proved why Duke students are his fans.

I'm struggling to study math for the Wednesday exam - a success on that test will set me up for a game-winng final shot in the class, one that's about as plausible as Dockery's. I'm spending tonight studying all the way through the rest of the chapter coursework.

On other notes, the Duke Political Review printed for the first time - and it's excellent. I worry that their first issue puts DJOPA into a tough spot - we have no choice but to be better in every aspect if we are to win ourselves a spot on campus, and the respect I feel we deserve.

In another matter, Project SKY's finally died down somewhat - one monitor reappeared, while our massive Dell Poweredge server walked away. People just have absolutely no qualms with stealing this stuff. I'm absolutely astounded. As much as I'd like to be angry over it, I feel like this won't be the last time, nor the biggest setback PSKY faces in the coming months.

Meanwhile, I took another look at the Howard Hughes Fellowship application and I think I've set myself up quite nicely for a strong application. My independent study research program next semester will both boost my strength as a researcher, and likely increase my chances of admission to the program handsomely.

Anyway, a lot of what I've blogged for the past week has been heavily personal. I imagine it's sort of an "end-of-semester" syndrome. As things die down, and I begin to blog over the Christmas break, expect more outward-looking posts. I understand that discussions of admission likelihoods to relatively unknown summer programs don’t make for the most exciting reads.

Don’t worry, it gets better.

I missed most of today, starting my night at around 4 PM. Well, you can Blog when you’re dead, as they say.

This morning, I was on Duke’s West campus at 10 AM teaching with the Techtronics Fellows. I’ve been accepted as a full-fledged participant in Techtronics in all but the fellowship. That’s means I do all the work, and don’t get paid. Which works for me, I guess, I think you should teach because you love to do it.

Duke Journal of Public Affairs (DJOPA) is really coming together. We had a general body meeting at 2:00 PM, which really proved to me both the dedication and intelligence of our small staff. This publication is going to really help Duke make a statement on behalf of its undergraduates.

Yesterday’s AWAAZ celebration struck a perennial theme I can never seem to put to bed. I’m often consumed by the paradox of utility. Watching the performance yesterday, you have to wonder just how many hours of planning and work went into making that show a possibility.

And on most accounts you’d have to be impressed. Indeed, the show was spectacular and entirely student driven.

But if you take a step back, and examine its purpose you have to wonder at exactly what we’re all doing. I’ll admit that at America’s (ostensibly) 5th best university, the people behind the scenes of AWAAZ are some of our societies future leading lights.

I’m consumed by a sort of guilt whenever we indulge ourselves in something that really has no point but to impress. Did we really need AWAAZ more than we needed to help a struggling child succeed?

Most human beings believe happiness, entertainment I should say, to be an essential element of their own lives. I suppose I just disagree – The better the show, the more I think how much time we wasted, when the lives of so many could use our help.

How strange I am…

Not often can anyone really say the earth shook, or worlds collided. Today I found that sometimes we can say just that.

I haven’t slept since Wednesday. In the service of my several Term papers, I’ve been writing non-stop for the last week, with only one sleep-filled Tuesday night. Since Saturday I’ve been pulling consecutive all-nighters.

Today, at 8:00 AM I finished my final semester paper on Charter schools, and at 8:30 AM I went to Math.

At 9:20 AM Math ended, and at 9:30 AM I was out to the Research Triangle Park picking up computers. By 11:30 AM I’d made two trips, and met with the advisor for OSAF and the SOFC so that I might secure the needed tax exemption ID to make our acquisitions legal.

Then, at 1:00 PM I was back into the RTP on a wild chase for the offices of the NIEH to find out about more Computers for my Non-Profit Initiative, Project SKY.

By 3:00 PM I was back at Duke, in my Research lab, running PCR in the hopes of wrapping up my research for the Semester.

At 4:00 PM I met with the Techtronics team, coordinated a Demonstration for tomorrow morning’s “Saturday at Duke” session, and agreed to write a short biography about myself.

By 5:00 PM I was racing to load all of the computers received today into my undersized, over-cramped Dorm room, and by 6:15 I was on West campus enjoying dinner as part of our Awaaz cultural celebration.

The celebration lasted until 10:00 PM and now here I blog this message – on a total of 12 hours of sleep for the entire week, dead exhausted and completely paralyzed. In the final hour I must write an application for Students of the World so that I might have the summer of a lifetime.
I feel so overwhelmed right now, and depressed. Not triumphant in any way. At times like these, with whom do I turn to for comfort? What entity can save my trodden spirit?